I visited one of the great temples of Panera earlier this week. Glory glory is the bounteous You Pick Two deal. It was a chilly day, and so I strayed from my trusty half Bacon Turkey Bravo and ordered the vegan Autumn Squash soup instead and paired with my regular order of chicken Caesar salad (86 Caesar dressing, sub Asian Sesame). I chose iced tea to drink with my meal and found a cozy seat in the “study nook.” When my magic square oracle vibrated I claimed my food and retired back to my nook. The salad was as crisp as ever, and the Asian dressing substitute added the vinegary tang I so desire when eating plants. But it wasn’t until I grasped my spoon and plunked it into the bowl of vegan Autumn Squash soup that I felt the goddess enter my being. The dandelion-colored soup slid down my esophagus like a silk Grecian robe, tickling my velvet insides, until I was forced to cry out, “OH GREAT CORNUCOPIA OF ABUNDANCE!” It was that glorious. And the bread. What a hunk. Soft, pale, delectable – like Eric Northman’s flaccid penis. I could not dunk and swallow fast enough. It was not until every crumb of baguette, heart of romaine, and drop of soup was gone did I realize my spiritual experience was far from over – the drink station has iced coffee! So toasty and well-balanced, a deliciously motivating take-away from my café experience.
Now, and forever more, in the darkest pools of hunger, I look to nourish my mind, body, and spirit within the hearth of the great café goddess.