After months of success in the box office, and recent wins at the Golden Globes and Screen Actors Guild Awards (snagging best directer and best cast), I finally decided to see “Argo,” Ben Affleck’s third film as director and second film starring himself and co-starring his rockin’ abs. Unlike their wicked-hot sculpted, sweat glistening debut in, “The Town,” it’s Affleck’s abs’ delightfully hairy performance in “Argo” that rockets the audience into the 70s time period and clearly overshadows countless butterfly collars, chevron mustaches, and that one banana-colored Pontiac Trans Am on the freeway. Although appearing in a mirror for mere seconds, Affleck’s abs are, in totality, a testament to the science fiction aspect of the movie. HUH? you say. What about Iran? The rescue mission? The fake Hollywood script? No. If you saw the movie, you also witnessed the horrible, fatty-fat carb-o-loaded fast food diet Affleck adopted after a split with his old lady — the Chinese take-out boxes lining his hotel bed, that McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese he wolfed down while on the phone with his son — If those hard, but gently rolling fur mounds aren’t proof that aliens were somehow involved in his workout-less lifestyle, I don’t know what else to tell you. What I can confess is that while the film’s core performance didn’t inspire me to go crunch crazy, the wonderfully punny signature line, “Argo fuck yourself,” was a great piece of instructional advice — I have the hairy palms to prove it.
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