So it’s St. Valentine’s Day again. A holiday some see as cheap, outdated, and as manufactured as those chalky heart candies with sappy phrases on them like “Be Mine,” or “Fax Me.” I actually L-O-V-E the novelty aspect of holidays. It allows me to segment seasons and adorn my mental calendar with cute symbols like stars, hearts, and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Wait . . . that’s Lucky Charms. Well, you get the picture. Holidays are great time markers, and, for many, Valentine’s Day is that kitschy, kissy, mushy, gushy, knick-knack-paddy-wack-give-your-man-some-bone kind of celebrations. It’s the Queen of Hearts in the holiday hierarchy. I remember the excitement of handing out my Duck Tales and Captain Planet valentines in the second and third grades. And getting $5 and a sentimental card from my grandmother every year. And reading the Whitman’s Sampler chocolate chart like a treasure map. In high school, my best friend and I licked the red letters off those heart candies, re-wrote messages like “Eat Me,” and left them in random places for people to find. It’s those fond memories that have always set the day apart for me and made it a treat. Now don’t get it twisted, I understand the marketing aspect of Valentine’s Day, too. I see it just like every other holiday — arriving three months early — screaming into a megaphone: THE MORE YOU SPEND, THE MORE YOU CARE! followed by that annoying Parisian police siren. I totally see it as a means for big business to turn a profit. Some people feel really pressured by that aspect, or hate that the man is pressuring them to prove their commitment through purchases, but I don’t buy into that, “Valentine’s Day was created by card makers,” stuff. Not because I don’t believe it’s true, but because I literally don’t buy it. I JUST ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF SEEING IT. So peep this, sweethearts — in honor of the big V, let’s gain a little perspective on how our history of this celebration has always been a little bit sweet and a little bit fucked up via some of my favorite vintage valentines from the past. A time when . . .
food puns were in vogue and extra corny . . .
spousal abuse was an Olympic Sport . . .
love caused chlamydia . . .
racial prejudices were, AWWWW, super cute!
vaginas had code words . . .
virginity was sacred . . .
confidence was a virtue . . .
condoms were an afterthought . . .
Satan wrote, directed, produced, and starred in every porno . . .
Valentines, like most of these cards, are Made in the USA, and have become a glittery, ruffled symbol of love in a consumerist nation. But there’s something about old-timey Valentine’s Day nostalgia that blankets the heart. It’s our need for the good ol days that fuels this modern machine until, eventually, it outpaces us for good. And maybe that’s ok, because, although love is a universal language, there’s something inherently American about blowing your entire affectionate load on one day — it translates as efficiency — with a creamy caramel center. Enjoy!
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Getting Gay with Jay Today 